


Let me in

by ME_BUDDIE



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Anal Sex, Anxious Evan "Buck" Buckley, Assault, Blood and Injury, Blood and Violence, Bottom Evan "Buck" Buckley, Caring Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Childhood Memories, Childhood Trauma, Eddie Diaz Takes Care of Evan "Buck" Buckley, Explicit Consent, Explicit Sexual Content, Family Issues, Family Secrets, First Kiss, Flirting, Friends to Lovers, Humor, Hurt Evan "Buck" Buckley, Insecure Evan "Buck" Buckley, Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Minor Injuries, Nightmares, Oral Sex, Panic Attacks, Past Abuse, Past Child Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Sexual Abuse, Past Sexual Assault, Pillow Talk, Post-Season/Series 03, Protective Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Recreational Drug Use, Relationship Issues, Revelations, Secrets, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Destruction, Self-Esteem Issues, Serious Injuries, Shame, Slow Burn, Team as Family, Top Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Upset Evan "Buck" Buckley, Violence, Worried Firehouse 118 Crew (9-1-1 TV)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-12
Updated: 2021-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-16 08:01:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 15,097
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28703307
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ME_BUDDIE/pseuds/ME_BUDDIE
Summary: After all they've been through together, the members of the 118 can definitely call themselves a family. A real family. They feel they can say they know each other like the back of their hand.Yet there are still things they don't know.Surprisingly, it is the most talkative among them that holds the most secrets.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 30
Kudos: 263
Collections: 9-1-1 ▶ Edmundo "Eddie" Diaz / Evan "Buck" Buckley





	1. That's crap.

**Author's Note:**

> And here I am with another one! 🙋
> 
> The publication rhythm is the same, so about once a week if I'm doing well. 😏
> 
> The story takes place after season 3. 
> 
> ⚠️ Beware of tags, don't read if you're not comfortable. ⚠️
> 
> Enjoy reading! 🖤
> 
> Kisses on all of you! 💋

He is tired. 

Physically, mentally, emotionally... He is exhausted. 

How much longer will this last? 

Weeks, months have gone by. And yet he still feels so miserable. 

Shit, even little Christopher has managed to overcome that. He needed therapy and time, but he managed to talk about his nightmares, what was tormenting him and he overcame his fears. Today he is as radiant as he was on his first day. 

So why can't he move on? 

-Hey, man, I thought Buck 1.0 was dead and buried.

Buck almost jumps, opens one eye and show his face, taking his arm off in front of his eyes. 

Chimney looks at him with a mocking smile from the other couch of the loft.

-Why would you say that? Buck asks, frowning. 

Chimney raises his eyebrows.

-Have you looked in a mirror lately? The night is made for sleeping, you know? 

Buck wants to tell him that's all he wants to do; sleep. It's not for lack of trying. But every time he closes his eyes, he drowns. In the water. But most of the time, in his own blood. 

Yeah, no. He can't tell him that. 

-Not only that. He answers instead, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively. 

Chimney snickers, before he, in turn, lies down on the couch. 

Hen grimaced, stretching her arms over her head, sitting on the sofa armrest that Buck monopolizes. 

Eddie rolls his eyes as he prepares a cup of coffee. 

And Bobby, well, he does what he always does when it comes to Buck. He puts his hands on his hips and watches him with a stern, suspicious, probing look. He reprimands him, silently. 

And Buck does what he always does when it comes to Bobby. He arcs an eyebrow and stretches out a mischievous smile. He provokes him, gently. 

-Are you concerned about my sex life, Cap? If you want, I can fill in a few details. That way, you'll be reassured to know that the only part of me I'm wearing out is--" 

-Damn it! Is he interrupted by Eddie choking on a sip of coffee. 

Hen covers him with a compassionate look. 

-You've had a child, Eddie. Stop being such a prude. Buck sighs and raises his voice, making sure he hears it from the kitchen. 

Even though he knows Buck can't see him, Eddie raises his middle finger. 

Hen chuckles slightly. 

-Stick it in where I think. Immediately retorts Buck, who, even without seeing it, is quite capable of guessing Eddie's reaction. 

Eddie hiccups with surprise. 

-Buck, seriously. Do we really have to have this conversation? Again? Intervenes Bobby. 

-You know how I work; work before pleasure.

-Good. Answers Bobby, satisfied, as he leaves for the kitchen. 

-But if you feel like it, I'd be happy to talk about my sexual exploits with you, Bobby.

-Shut up, Buck! They all cry out in chorus. 

Buck chuckles as he receives a pillow in the face. He doesn't try to find out who it's from, but rather serves it up against him, closing his eyes, knowing however, that he won't sleep.

He wants to tell them that there's nothing more to say anyway because he hasn't shared his life or his bed with anyone in months. But it's easier to pretend that he's having restless nights because of a girl than because of his nightmares. 

He can handle it on his own. 

They've all been through traumas, and every one of them has overcome them. He can do that too. 

He almost did, at one point. 

He could stand by a pool again without suffocating. He could spend most of his nights without feeling like he was sinking. And he almost managed to consider going back to the sea. 

But then Eddie got trapped underground. Meters below him. Stuck in the mud. Then lost in the icy water. 

And then it all came back to him. 

His anxieties and nightmares increased tenfold. 

It was as if they had let him catch his breath, only to have him plunge his head back underwater, even deeper than the first time. 

From now on, he can no longer take a shower without feeling nauseous. He can no longer close his eyes without being awakened by pressure around his throat. The water in which he drowns in his nightmares has been replaced by blood for some reason. It's similar to the day his clots made him vomit blood and he almost choked on it. Only worse. Much, much worse. Because the blood isn't just in his throat and it's not just keeping him from breathing. It's all around him and it's tightening around him like a vice. It drags him down, makes him sink, and gives him no chance to come back up. 

But he deals with it. Or... He's learning to deal with it. 

All the others have gone on with their lives while most of them have lived much worse, so he too will eventually forget. 

He just has to be patient, wait for everything to go away as it came and everything will be fine. 

Later in the day, while Buck is at the wheel and Eddie is in the passenger seat, heading to the local coffee shop for their usual Friday lunch, Buck gets a call from his sister. 

Eddie picks it up for him and the sound resonates through the car's speakers. 

-Hey, Maddie. What's up? I'm with Eddie. 

Is that really worth mentioning? All three of them mean it, but none of them say it. 

-Evan, this is really crap. Says Maddie on the other end of the phone, and Buck can hear the urgency in her voice. 

She used his first name. That doesn't bode well. 

-What's wrong? Is it Chimney? Or the baby? He hastens to ask. 

He exchanges a quick worried look with Eddie. 

-No. No, Chimney's fine. The baby is fine. But we, Evan, are not fine.

-Damn it, Maddie, what the hell are you talking about? Buck getting impatient.

He hears Maddie take a deep breath. 

-The parents are coming next week. She drops her bomb. 

His foot slips off the gas pedal and the car slows down a few seconds before Buck has the reflex to put his foot back on. 

Eddie stares at him with a worried, interrogating look on his face. 

There are a few more seconds during which Buck tries to process the information. 

-That's crap. Then he blows his breath, before changing direction to Chimney's apartment. 

That's how Eddie finds himself eating a bowl of cereal in Chimney's kitchen instead of a plate of pancakes covered in maple syrup at Big Little Hunger. Chimney is sipping a beer next to him and they watch the Buckleys argue on the other side of the centre island. They look at them like they're watching a ping pong match. 

-How do you... Goddamn it, how can that be? Why do they want to come here? Ask Buck as he spins around in front of Maddie, pinching his nose bridge. 

They're not there yet, so he can already feel a headache compressing his temples. 

-I called them this morning. I told them I was pregnant.

Buck suddenly looks up at her as he stands still, staring at her in horror as if she had a second head.

-You... Damn, Maddie, is it hormones going to your head already? Are you out of your fucking mind? Why would you tell them something like that? 

-Um, let me think... Because it's the truth? Retorque Maddie, sarcastic. 

-They didn't have to know about it.

-Oh, please, Buck. They're our parents. I had to tell them one day anyway. Might as well tell them now. She sighs. 

Buck raises his head to the ceiling as if he were saying a silent prayer. He lets out a deep sigh and meets his sister's downcast look again. 

-And how did they take the news?

Maddie suddenly frowns, thinking for a moment. 

-Pretty well, actually. Well, I guess. I don't really know... How do you know with them anyway? But they seemed pretty... enthusiastic.

-Shit... I was hoping one of them would have a heart attack, but it didn't work out. That would have been one less problem for us. Blow, Buck. 

Both Eddie and Chimney are as surprised as each other at the seriousness with which he pronounces his words. 

-Don't say that! Maddie reprimands him with a slap on the chest. 

Buck runs a hand over her face. As if he wasn't tired enough already. On top of that, his parents have to decide to come back into their lives when they least expect it. 

-What are we going to do? They can't come here. Can you imagine that? Mom and Dad sifting through every second of your life, every inch of your apartment? We can't let that happen. Buck shakes his head with a grimace. 

-I know, I know! That's why I called you. I don't know what to do, you've got to help me! They've already booked their flight, we need a great excuse if we're going to have any chance of them canceling it... Almost begs Maddie, looking like a beaten dog he can't resist. 

-Tell them it was a mistake. Tell them you took another test and that you're not pregnant.

Maddie's face is tinged with surprise. 

Eddie hangs his spoon of cereal a few millimeters from his mouth, looking up at his best friend who has obviously lost his mind. 

-Oh, God! Really? Do you have any other ideas like that? Besides... I sent them a picture of my belly.

-Okay, so now it's official, you're out of your mind. Blow, Buck, stunned. 

-They're the ones who asked to see! I never thought they would decide to come here, otherwise you think I wouldn't! Now, please help me find a lie that will hold up. Maddie stomped her feet, impatient and looking even more anxious than when she met Chimney's parents. 

-Okay, okay... Let me think... I know! I know! Tell them that you have chickenpox! They hardly dared to approach us when we sneezed. They won't risk coming if you're contagious. 

-No, they've already had it. They won't risk anything. Find something else. Maddie sighs. 

-Oh, shit... Oh, I know! Tell them Chimney's a believer. Or that he's unhygienic. No. No, you have to come up with something really nasty... Oh, no, I got it! Tell them he did time!" Buck ends up with a little excitement, convinced -and very proud- that he's come up with such a great idea. 

Eddie and Chimney share a look heavy with meaning, the same question on the tip of their tongues; should they be taken to the asylum? 

-Do you want to give them a heart attack, Buck? That's not the point." Fortunately, Maddie answers, relieving their anxiety. 

At least some of them are still balanced... 

-Hey, I'm doing my best to find a solution! Buck is annoyed to see all his ideas rejected. 

Eddie exchanges a new look with Chimney, silently asking him if he should intervene. Chimney raises his hands, looking like he's saying; sorry man, but I'm not taking a chance on that. 

-Why don't you just ask them to come visit you later? Ask Eddie anyway. 

There's a blank. 

The Buckleys slowly turn their heads towards him and stare at him as if he's gone crazy. And it's kind of ironic in light of the conversation these two have been having since earlier. Eddie moves around in his chair, almost uncomfortable. 

-Might as well get us cremated right now. Maddie replies to her brother's best friend. 

Of the two, it's often Buck who tends to exaggerate. Maddie has always been the more rational one. So... Yeah, Eddie and Chimney will admit; it sucks. 

-I don't think you have a choice anymore, Maddie. You're gonna have to face them. Buck's out of ideas. 

-Hey, if you're giving up, that goes for you, too! 

-Oh, no, sorry, I didn't call them and tell them I was pregnant. It's none of my business. Returns immediately Buck. 

-Think again. They want to invite us for dinner at the restaurant while they're here. Me, Chimney... and you. Blows Maddie, in a small voice, hesitant, almost wishing he wouldn't hear her. 

Buck takes a step back as if someone had just held a gun to his chest. However, as they can all witness, when he is threatened with a weapon, Buck is more of a closer rather than a farther away person...

-Are you kidding me? He asks in a white voice. 

Maddie sighs, laying a hand on his slightly bounced belly. 

Oh yeah, she plays it.

-Do you think I'd joke with that? Since we have no choice but to see them come here, we're going to have to get used to the idea of seeing them for a whole week. And I can see you coming, but I want you to know that you have to come to this dinner. You can't leave us alone with them.

Buck watches her for a moment in disbelief. Then he points a finger at his own chest. 

-Do you want me to come? Do you want us to get together... Dad, Mom and me, in the same room, at the same table? In public? Reassure me and tell me you've been smoking. Tell me you're not seriously considering it. He gets angry. 

Chimney finally utters a slight nervous laugh. 

-Stop... They can't be worse than my dad, can they? Can they? 

His father had hated him for most of his life. Nothing he did was good enough for him, and he would let him know when he had the chance. The rest of the time, he ignored him. He had rebuilt his life, had another son, and replaced him just like you replace a television or a washing machine that no longer works. Today he could say that his father had disowned him and erased him from his life so easily that he was still confused even after all these years. 

So... How could the Buckleys' parents be worse than his father? 

He gradually loses his smile in the face of the eyes they cover him with. 

-You have no idea what you're getting into, buddy. Buck warned him. 

-Maybe you should have told me before I fell in love with your sister. Chimney sighs. 

Maddie covers him with a dark, yet still affectionate look before she turns her attention to her brother. 

-What's up? Are you coming? Ask Maddie in a soft voice. 

Buck sighs but nods slightly. Maddie presses her gaze. Buck rolls his eyes. 

-All right, yes, I'm coming! But don't come and complain if we get kicked out of the restaurant again! I would have warned you.

Maddie has a huge smile on her face. 

Chimney leans over to Eddie, who is still tasting his cereal and imagining a pancake plate instead. 

-I'm not dreaming. Did he say "again"? That means it's happened before, right?" He whispers. 

Eddie watches the Buckleys ready to start a fight again and pushes a sigh into his soul, sticking another spoonful of cereal in his mouth.

-I think getting kicked out of the restaurant is the best scenario you can come up with. Finally, Eddie answers. 

Chimney stands mute for a moment, before collapsing, looking at the profile of his friend, who seems deadly serious. Eddie was always honest and realistic. And for once, it pissed him off. Because he wanted reassurance, not more stress. 

But he loves Maddie, and he loves their child. He probably love them more than his own life. So it's too late to turn back. He's going to have to meet his parents. 

He's screwed. 

-Fuck it. He blows. 

When they finally get out of Chimney's apartment and climb into Buck's car, Eddie's still dreaming about his pancakes. He might just make some once Buck drops him off at home... But he didn't even know how to boil pasta. 

-Can you believe that? I don't understand why she told them now. She could have at least waited until she had the baby. She knew they were going to invite each other!" Eddie listens to Buck moaning and turns his head to get a better look at him. 

Buck's hands are tightly wrapped around the steering wheel, he serves it so hard that his knuckles turn white. Also, Eddie can see his jaw muscles rolling under his skin every time he stops talking. 

Eddie squints his eyes. His friend seems much more nervous than he imagined. 

-You never talk about them. He points out. 

He watches Buck tense up a little more beside him. 

-Yeah, well, there's nothing interesting to say. Spit out Buck. 

Eddie stretches out a compassionate smile, even though Buck doesn't notice it. 

He puts one hand on his thigh and he feels Buck's body freeze, but he doesn't notice it because after a split second, Buck seems to relax. 

-Relax, Buck. It's going to be okay, you'll see. He reassures him. 

Buck doesn't think about his parents at all. And he's almost holding back from telling him that if he would just slide his hand up a little higher, then he could really relax. But he doesn't say that, of course. He hasn't lost his mind yet. At least not on this point. So he ignores the electric shock that just shook him and instead stretches out a smile. 

-Thank you, Eddie. He simply says, and Eddie's hand disappears. 

What a shame... 

Buck pulls himself together. 

First of all, he hasn't let his parents have this bad effect on him for a long time now. That's not going to change now.   
Second, it's been just as long since he's let Eddie have that exhilarating effect on him. Nor is that going to change today. 

Buck recovers some of his usual good mood as he parks along the sidewalk. 

He's just finished another good day's work and he's with his best friend, so he doesn't need more to chase everything else away and learn to smile again. 

-Why are you stopping? Asks Eddie suddenly, confused, before turning his head and seeing the front of the Big Little Hunger sign. 

Eddie turns his head again towards Buck, who looks at him mockingly. 

-Who am I to deprive you of your pancakes? Buck smiles and Eddie chuckles before giving him a gentle pat on the arm. 

And if someone makes a comment about how Buck looks at Eddie with at least as much appetite as Eddie has for his pancakes... Then he'll pretend that it's only the pancakes that make him feel that way.


	2. Just one drink

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 2, here it is! 😏
> 
> And... there's nothing to say because I think the title is quite promising. I'll leave you to imagine what Buck + alcohol looks like. 😌
> 
> Happy reading! 🖤
> 
> Kisses on all of you! 💋

Buck told himself this as he climbed into his car. 

He said it to himself on the way over. 

And he said it when he got to the bar. 

Just one drink. 

But then, he said it again when he's on his sixth or maybe seventh? 

He'll probably regret it tomorrow, but it doesn't matter. For the moment, he's laughing so hard that his stomach hurts. 

"And then, what did you do next?" 

"I gave it to my grandmother. She put it on the veranda with her other plants." 

"But she must have realized that, right? Or your parents?" 

"Yes. I've had time to enjoy it for barely a week. My dad ended up showing up on the veranda as she was watering the plants and she said, and I quote, 'Look what a pretty plant Evan gave me. I don't know what it is, but it's wilting fast, it's almost leafless'." 

"How did he react?" 

"He was furious. But like, really, it was all red, like in the cartoons. My grandmother didn't understand why he was yelling at me, she was completely lost. And I was fucking laughing my ass off. I said, 'You told me to get that out of my room, so I did. And what's more, it makes grandma happy. I swear, I thought he was going to have a stroke. When he explained to my grandmother that it was cannabis, she laughed as much as I did. And when he told my mom afterwards, she didn't speak to me for almost a month." 

The girl bursts out laughing and Buck imitates her. 

The bar is so noisy that their laughter is lost amidst the tinkling of bottles and the bursts of voices. 

Buck takes a sip from his glass to soothe the irritation in his throat. 

Julia pushes her hair back behind her ears and then presses her chin in her hand, watching Buck finish his drink. 

Buck was in the process of hitting on her when he came up to her. He thought to himself; she's pretty, she's lonely and I'm not against a little distraction tonight. Julia accepted his drink but also told him that she preferred girls, ending all his hopes of ending the night in a bed other than his own. He wanted to take his mind off it. His parents were coming in two days and dinner was imminent. And he still couldn't sleep. So, yes, he really needed a distraction. And finally, he got it. After all, it wasn't just sex that could make him forget for a moment how shitty his life was. 

Julia is funny. She talks as much as she listens. And she has almost as many anecdotes to tell as he does. 

"Are you still using it?" She asks him. 

"Weed? No. I think the last time I did it, I was in my early 20s." 

"What if I told you I had some on me? What would you say?"

Buck just thinks for a few seconds. Anyway, one more drink or a joint at this point, it's not sure there's much difference. 

So that's how he follows the young woman out of the bar. They isolate themselves at the back of the Pub, between the dumpsters and some poorly trimmed bushes. 

Buck is lying on an old brown leather couch, on which the employees are probably spending their break. Julia sits on the backrest, her legs hanging in the void.

They feel like teenagers sneaking out and smoking their first pot. 

Their discussions no longer make much sense and they can't even say two words without being giggled at. 

"I can't take a bath anymore, or go to the pool or the sea. And I can't sleep." Explains Buck between laughter. 

Julia looks at him with tears in the corners of her eyes. She holds her ribs together, because she laughs so hard it hurts. 

"But... wait. Just wait. What does water have to do with... sleep?" 

"When I sleep, I dream I'm drowning." 

"So you're afraid... you're afraid of the water?" 

"Yeah, damn... I'm a fucking fireman and I'm afraid of water." 

There's a slight silence and then Buck's lip quivers and they burst out laughing again. Julia almost almost falls off the back of the couch and Buck bends in half on the bench. 

They are at their second joint when a door slams and interrupts them in the middle of a conversation about the true color of the sea. 

"Get the hell out of here!" Shouts one of the bar employees, a garbage bag in each hand. 

They straighten up and flee as far away from the bar as possible before collapsing on the curb, out of breath. As much by their laughter, which they are unable to calm down, as by the frantic running they have just made. 

They wait a few more minutes until they can breathe properly. Then, finally, they decide to call a cab. They share the same cab, but Julia gets a ride home first. They are far too drunk -among other things- to think about exchanging contact information when Julia slams the door behind her. 

Eddie finally dozed off on the couch. 

It wasn't what he had in mind when he wanted to spend an evening with his best friend... But the fool didn't answer messages and calls, nor did he open the door when Eddie rang the bell. So he used his spare key and went inside, to find the apartment empty. He settled down on the couch and decided to wait for a while. Just to make sure Buck was okay. But it had been over three hours and he must have closed his eyes at some point. 

It was the sound of a slamming door that woke him up. 

It takes him several seconds to remember where he is and why. 

It takes Buck four times to insert the key into the lock. When he finally gets there and enters his apartment, he is surprised to see that the kitchen light is on. 

"Do you ever pick up your phone?" 

"Holy shit... Eddie!" Exclaims Buck, a hand on his heart that almost stops. 

Eddie leaves the couch and walks into the kitchen. 

"Wait... What are you doing here? I've got the wrong house..." Buck wonders, looking around to make sure he's home. 

Eddie raises an eyebrow. 

"Are you drunk?" 

As he gets a little closer, Eddie frowns at the smell. 

"I'm dreaming... Are you high?" 

Buck finishes the inspection of the apartment that's actually his and finally looks up at him with red eyes. 

Well, Eddie has his answer. 

Buck reaches into his jeans pocket with one hand and pulls out a little bag of weed. He holds it up victoriously. 

"There's some left over. Want some?" 

Eddie rolls his eyes. 

"Give me that." He orders, reaching out his hand to grab it. 

His hand closes in the void as Buck steps back and raises his arm above his head. 

"Come and get it." He smiles mischievously, a defiant gleam in his eyes. 

Eddie crosses his arms over his chest and tilts his head. 

"Seriously? What are you, twelve years old?" 

"I can't remember." Whispers Buck as he bends over, as if it were a huge secret. 

Eddie shakes his head as an amused laugh runs through him. 

Buck watches his Adam's apple go up and down as he laughs. He observes his throat, that vein sticking out as he tosses his head back slightly. He dreams of biting, licking, touching, tasting. This thought electrifies him and blood flows directly down. 

Eddie tries again to catch the bag but Buck steps back at the right moment. He moves away and runs into the living room, around the sofa, Eddie on his heels. 

And then it happens. 

The moment Buck stops, out of breath, and leans his back against the wall between the kitchen and the living room.   
He reaches up, but not visibly enough. Because he's too tired. 

But mostly because Eddie is close. Too close. His eyes shine with amusement when he looks at him. He smiles, mischievous. And that smile... 

That's all it takes for Buck. 

As Eddie's hand closes around the bag, a proud smile stretching his lips, Buck's hand press against his crotch through the fabric of his tracksuit. 

Eddie hops and groans, his eyes wide open from the shock. 

Buck smiles at him and it's his turn to be proud. He giggles and tightens his grip. 

That's when Eddie finally reacts. He suddenly backs away, staring at him as if he's just insulted his mother. 

"Buck, what the hell are you doing?" He whispers, probably because he's afraid that his voice will betray him and tremble if he speaks louder.

Buck's smile stretches and his pupils shine with desire. 

"I'm turn you on." He replies. 

Because, of course, it's Buck and, sober or stoned, he doesn't seem to know the word embarrassment. 

Eddie is so confused that the next thing that comes out of his mouth should normally be the last thing he should say, or think. 

"Why?" 

He closes his eyes for a moment, cursing his voice for being so hoarse, and when he opens them again, Buck isn't wearing a shirt anymore. 

"Because I want to get laid." 

_Naturally._

Because he's Buck and he's abrupt, raw and indelicate. Because he can't say anything other than the truth, other than the first thing that pops into his head... even though it might be easier sometimes. 

Words torture Eddie as his eyes darken considerably. They resonate in him like a mantra and he feels his dick wagging in his pants. He suddenly wonders how long he's been hard. When he uttered these words, when he took off his shirt or when he put his hand on him? 

Buck doesn't think about it when he says it. He just knows it's what he wants.

He went out to surrender to the pleasure of the flesh, because that's the best way for him to keep all those nightmares away. And even though Julia managed to distract him, he didn't get what he came for. He still desperately needs more. And Eddie... Eddie's here and he's so beautiful. And so hot. So tempting.

He's aware of how his gaze slides across his now naked torso and he's more than delighted. 

"You want to touch?" He asks. 

Eddie finds the offer tempting. He really does. His body is a fucking offering. Buck offers to do whatever he wants with it, and even though he wasn't fully aware of it until now, he's fucking dying for it. 

But he can't. Buck is not in his right mind. And... he's his best friend. He can't do this. 

"Put your clothes back on, Evan." He orders firmly and he's hoping the use of his first name will be enough to show him how serious he is. 

But against all odds, it has the opposite effect.

A veil of desire darkens his blue eyes and he almost moans. His teeth trap his lower lip and almost bite it with blood. His eyes are haunted. As if the mere fact that Eddie pronounces his first name and gives him an order is creating tons of inappropriate mental images in him. 

"Or else what? You going to spank me? Well, go ahead." Answers Buck, a cheeky smile stretching his red lips. 

Eddie freezes. 

Damn it, he's doing what he can to resist, but Buck really isn't helping him. Every look, every smile and every word he utters is like an invitation to debauchery. And they give ideas and images to his mind that he can't stand. 

Eddie is furious at Buck. Because he really wants to do all those things that Buck tells him but he can't because he's high. And he's furious at himself. Because Buck is his best friend and he shouldn't want to. 

So, with a severe frown, he orders again; 

"I mean it. Get dressed and go to bed." 

Buck doesn't understand why the weight of humiliation is so heavy. He shouldn't be surprised. How could he think Eddie would want all this? Him? That he'd be willing to give him what he needs? 

That's the problem. _His_ problem. 

He always asks for too much. People can't satisfy him and he can't be satisfied with what people give him. That's the way it's always been, as long as he can remember. 

Eddie is his friend and partner at work. He's amazing and he knows that he's already so lucky to have him in his life... Why does he need to want more? To ask more? 

He always wants more than he should and he doesn't think when he talks or acts and he undoubtedly ends up ruining everything. He did it with his parents, with Maddie, with... With all the people who have been important in his life. And he continues to do it even today. With Eddie. As if he was unable to learn from his mistakes, to curb his needs and desires. 

And now Eddie looks at him with that anger he's seen in so many eyes before. 

He should be used to it. It shouldn't hurt him that much. 

He'd better listen to him. Put his shirt back on to escape the look that is now burning him in an unpleasant way and go upstairs to bed, because it's all leaving him really exhausted. 

Eddie notes Buck's change in attitude. He knows he has just hurt him, even though he doesn't know why or how, but he notices that flame in his blue eyes going out. Suddenly he looks smaller, exhausted and weary. He seems to accept a sad reality that Eddie doesn't know. He doesn't really understand what's going on in Buck's head right now but he wants to rush in and shag him right there, against that wall, if that's what it takes to rekindle the glow in his pretty blue eyes. 

And he shouldn't like that thought so much. 

But before he can say or do anything, Buck has already picked up his shirt and is now heading up the stairs to his room. 

Eddie makes sure from afar that Buck doesn't trip on the stairs and when he sees him fall down on his bed, he can finally breathe. 

It takes him several minutes to gather his thoughts. 

He turns off the lights and goes upstairs. As he approaches, he notices that Buck has left his clothes and shoes at the foot of the bed. He has his face in the pillows and, with a tender smile, Eddie slowly pulls the blanket up to his shoulders before heading to the guest room for a night's sleep that, he knows, promises to be eventful.


	3. So much shame

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here it is with delay! 😬 
> 
> Sorry, I will extend my publication time to two weeks to have more time. 🙄 
> 
> I hope there are not too many mistakes, I reread quickly and with tired eyes. 😴 
> 
> Anyway, enjoy reading and thanks for kudos and comments, they make my day! ❤ 
> 
> Kisses on all of you! 💋

When Buck wakes up, he feels like he has cotton in his mouth and a jackhammer in his head. 

He moans and grunts, annoyed by the pressure on his shoulder. 

He opens his eyes when he hears a laugh reaching his ears. 

"Come on Buck, wake up." 

Buck moans again because, even though he's in bad shape, hearing Eddie's voice when he wakes up might be one of his new favorites things.

"Buck... Come on." Eddie insists and shakes his shoulder a little harder. 

Buck finally sighs and turns around to face Eddie. He makes the mistake of standing up too quickly and ends up with his head in his hands, grimaced in pain.

"Easy." Says Eddie, putting one hand on his shoulder. "How do you feel?" 

"Like I just got run over by a truck... I haven't missed it." 

Eddie rolled his eyes at his attempt at humor and grabbed the glass of water and medicine he had prepared on the bedside table and handed it to Buck. 

When his head is a little lighter, Buck takes it and thanks him in a whisper. 

Eddie retrieves the empty glass and puts it back on the furniture, watching his friend for a long time. 

Buck feels watched and when he looks up to meet Eddie's eyes, he doesn't miss the glimmer of amusement. His wrinkled lips are another indicator that Eddie holding back from laughing and that he clearly knows something he doesn't know. 

"What?" He finally asks, before clearing his throat, grimacing as his voice comes out hoarse and broken. 

"You remember what you did, don't you?" Eddie asks, a smile now stretching the corner of his lips. 

"...what I did?" Repeats Buck, frowning, confused. 

Eddie nods. 

Buck begins to think. There was the bar, then Julia, then the joint, and-- 

Eddie enjoys seeing his cheeks blush and his eyes widen. 

"Holy shit... I'm so fucking ashamed." He moans as he hides his face in his hands before he falls back on the mattress, grabbing the blankets to cover himself completely. 

Eddie laughs. Because of course, it amuses him. Buck hates him for it. 

"I figured you'd have that kind of reaction. Man... You should've seen your face!" 

"Eddie, go away. Let me die of shame in peace." Buck moans in the covers. 

Buck is dying of heat, both from the blankets and from the hot flashes that ignite his neck, his cheeks and the tips of his ears. He has never been so ashamed in his life. 

"Come on, it's okay. I think we can all say we've done things we're not proud of when we're high. I, for example, cried." 

Buck laughs reluctantly at the memory, before shaking his head. 

"It's not the same thing." 

"That to put your hand on my dick? No, I can tell. Definitely not the same." 

Buck moans, closing his eyes, as he feels another hot flush radiating from his neck. 

"Eddie! You're not helping!" 

"Sorry." Eddie apologizes quickly. 

And just as Buck is thinking of pulling his head out of the blankets, he says; 

"I just didn't think you were the type to enjoy spanking." 

Buck is literally burning up. 

"Oh my God, Eddie, get out!" He shouts out and Eddie's laughter can be heard even after he leaves the room and goes to the ground floor. 

Buck pushes back the blankets and presses the palms of his hands over his eyes, wondering how he got himself into this mess. 

He had thought to himself: ONE DRINK. It wasn't complicated. He had to set limits, because he knew that when he was drunk - or stoned - he had none. When you think about it, he doesn't really have any when he's sober either. It doesn't really matter. He didn't make it and now he can be sure that Eddie will never let him down with that. 

And if it reaches other people's ears... Then, for sure, it will follow him for the rest of his life. 

Eddie sits around the center island in the kitchen, hanging out on his phone, patiently waiting for Buck to finish his shower. 

It seems a lot more fun than it was yesterday now that the night has passed and he's calmed down. 

This may be the first time he's ever seen Buck in shame. And the picture is worth a million dollars. Too bad he couldn't film it. 

He smiles stupidly in retrospect and when he looks up, it's to see Buck coming down the stairs, vigorously rubbing his hair with a towel. 

Buck's gaze falls on his smile and he gives him a black look. 

"Shut the fuck up." He says without a preamble as he drops himself on a chair in front of him, leaving his towel on a corner of the table. 

"I didn't say anything." Eddie plays innocent by putting away his phone. 

"Your mocking slutty look speaks for itself." Grunts Buck as he reaches for his coffee cup. 

Eddie taps his fingers and rolls his eyes at his look of a beaten dog. He gets up and finds the latte he bought and put in the fridge this morning. 

"Thank you." Buck sighs as he grabs the cup Eddie slides towards him. 

"I stopped by to get us breakfast." He says as he grabs a bag of croissants and rolls from the counter. 

He sits down again and watches Buck's gaze of wonder at the pastries, which pounces on them before Eddie has time to reach in. Buck devours a croissant in three bites before taking a long sip of coffee, moaning with satisfaction as he closes his eyes. 

He'd forgotten how hungry he was from smoking. 

"No thanks or compliments to tell me I'm the best?" Eddie teases by drinking his own coffee. 

Buck looks up at him and gives him a big smile. 

"You're the best mocking slut that I know." He articulates between two bites.

"Bastard." He shakes his head and laughs. 

Buck is on his third crescent when he notices that Eddie still hasn't spoken to him. 

Buck's not an idiot. He knows that Eddie was there for something yesterday. And his regular tapping of his fingers on the counter, along with his pensive look, proves that he has something to say and doesn't know how to say it. Probably something that he's not going to like.

"Have you lost your tongue?" Buck sighs as he takes another sip of coffee. 

Eddie suddenly comes out of his mind. 

"What?" He asks, frowning. 

"I know you've got something to tell me so spit it out or stop using your fingers if you don't want me to break them." 

And he may have been a little too blunt because Eddie's tensing up and his face looks scowling. 

Buck holds back a sigh and forces a little smile instead. 

Eddie's expression immediately softens. 

"I just wanted to see how you're handle." He says cautiously, taking a sip of coffee, more to hide behind the cup than out of real thirst. 

Buck tilts his head, confused. 

Eddie thinks it's silly to think he looks like a puppy. He thinks it's even more silly to think it's adorable. 

Plus, he's never really appreciated dogs that much. 

"How do I handle _what_?" 

"Well, you know, your parents coming over." 

It's instinctual. 

Buck's up and starts clearing the table, and Eddie doesn't believe his flippant expression. He knows it's just a way to avoid conversation. 

"So that's why you came yesterday?" 

"Yeah, I wanted to see how you were doing... And take your mind off things." 

"I don't need to be taken off my mind, Eddie. I'm fine." He says, defensively, turning his back to wash his hands at the sink. 

Eddie grimaced because he may have chosen the wrong words, but he couldn't help but retort; 

"That's why you went out and ended up completely wiped out yesterday." 

"That's not for this reason!" Buck carried away before closing his eyes, aware of the weight of Eddie's gaze behind his back. 

When he turns around and crosses his questioning gaze, he curses himself inside. 

First, because he knows that sleep deprivation is beginning to make him too easily irritable. Second, because what he said implies that there is another reason, and judging by Eddie's suspicious expression, he didn't miss it. 

"What I mean is, I just wanted to go out." 

Eddie doesn't have to talk for Buck to understand that he doesn't believe him. 

He lets out a deep sigh. 

"Look, I don't get along with my parents and I'm not happy to see them again, but... I've been used to seeing their faces every day for most of my life, I can survive a week." 

It seems to work because Eddie nods his head convincingly. 

And if Eddie believes it, Buck wants to believe it too. 

*~~* 

"No way!" Buck shouts, staring at his sister who is holding a suit cover right under his nose. 

"Put it on. Hurry up or you'll make us late." Maddie sighs, one hand on her hip, impatiently stamping her foot on the tiled floor of the station locker room. 

"Come on, man, please. Don't leave me alone." Chimney tries to convince him as finish buttoning his own shirt. 

Buck casts a bored look to him over Maddie's shoulder and holds a sigh. 

"No. I hate suits. Suits hate me. I'm not going to put one on. Even less if it's to please them." 

"What are you talking about?" Hen asks, leaning against a locker, already in street clothes. 

"I've worn a suit five times in my life. And all five times it ended badly. It's a proven fact; suits plus me equals disaster." Buck explains, a bit of drama. 

Maddie looks up to the sky. 

"Come on Buck, put it on. I'm sure you must look very handsome in it." Hen encourages him and then elbows Eddie, who's busy tying his watch to his wrist. "Isn't that right, Eddie?" 

"Hm?" He looks up, a little confused. 

Hen gives him a pointed look and raises an eyebrow at Buck, as quietly as possible.

Then Eddie's face lights up, as if he finally understands. 

"Oh! Uh, yes. She's right." He says smiling to Buck. 

Buck pinches his lips together, rolls his eyes and then grabs the suit in Maddie's hands with an exaggerated sigh. 

"All right. I'll put it on." 

Hen and Chimney share a meaningful look with Eddie and it's only because Maddie is focused on her brother that she doesn't join them. 

Eddie turns to his locker, retrieves his phone and holds a smirk on his face. 

Even him can see that Buck is drinking his words like holy water. 

"But... That's my jinx suit! Wait a minute... Have you been to my house?" He accuses him by taking the suit out of its cover. 

"Yes, I used my spare key." Maddie responds naturally, then frowns. "Your jinx suit?" 

"Oh, yeah." Answers Buck, nonchalant, starting to take off his clothes to put on his suit. "I only have two suits in my closet, the black one; that I wear to go to happy events and this one ; that I wear to go to events I would rather shoot myself than have to go. This is the one I wore when Abby had to give me a tracheo' the night of our first date; that's when it became jinxed." 

"And you kept it?" Chimney exclaimed in disbelief. 

"Well, what? There wasn't even any blood on it. Besides, if I had to throw away a clothe just because something happened to me while I was wearing it... I'd probably be walking around naked all the time right now." Buck jokes as he tucks his shirt into his pants. 

Eddie grunts as he closes his locker. Just because he knows it - that Buck has been hurt so often - doesn't mean he likes to hear it or remember it. Especially when Buck takes it so lightly. 

Hen gives him a compassionate look. 

"You know, in order for something to be considered jinxed, more than one bad thing has to happen? Otherwise it's just called coincidence." Chimney explains by tying his shoelaces. 

"Oh, I've got two - three more bad stories with this suit, don't worry. And thanks to Maddie, there'll be one more tonight." Buck replied immediately, a little bitter, putting on his tie, ignoring the pat on the arm from his sister.

Eddie watches him struggle with his tie and then frowns. Eddie wasn't there when Buck wore this suit on his first date with Abby. But he was there when Buck wore it at the process. And when he thinks back on the tone Buck just used, it almost makes him feel like he's still mad at himself. 

Which is... absurd, when you know that it was months ago and that story is long behind them. 

Bobby arrives just in time to help Buck tie his tie. 

"Just like old times." Buck jokes, but he doesn't look very happy. 

Bobby smiles at him with one of those comforting, compassionate smiles. And Eddie smiles, too, because it makes Buck smile more sincerely. 

"I'd say good luck, but like last time, I don't think that's what you need." Bobby jokes as he arranges the knot of the tie around his neck, watching him with what Eddie guesses is a touch of pride. 

"No, you're right. What I need is a whole bottle of tequila." Buck says, an amused smile on his face, but there's still a hint of seriousness in his eyes. 

"What are they exercising your parents again?" Hen suddenly asks. "Because, that restaurant they invited you to? It's a really fancy place and really, really expensive. Karen and I wanted to go there once and we had to book five months in advance and I'm not even talking about the menu prices..." She grimaces, remembering the fucking four-digit bill. 

Buck sneers, looking over Bobby's shoulder. 

"The professional, talented and dictatorial art of bastardry. It always pays a max." 

They freeze a little, more than surprised. 

Buck has a habit of exaggerating, sometimes a little, sometimes a lot. But this time this is perhaps a little too much, even for him. 

Most worrying is that he doesn't seem to be joking.

"Language." Bobby reprimands him immediately, before Maddie can do it. 

Buck rolls his eyes and growls between his teeth.

"Our mother's a lawyer in her own firm and our father's a federal judge." Maddie explains. 

Eddie's eyebrows rise and almost disappear into his hair. 

Bobby looks up to look at Buck, pausing for a moment in the arrangement of his tie but Buck doesn't look at him, staring at an imaginary dot behind him. Then Bobby says nothing and tightens the knot of his tie properly. 

"Holy shit." Hen whistles and then looks at Chimney. "You better not fuck this up, Chim." 

"Language." Buck reprimands her, falsely severe, and Bobby shakes his head affectionately, amused when Buck smiles with all his teeth.

Chimney puts his hands on his hips and wears a fake smile. 

"Thanks Hen, I appreciate your support." 

Hen responds with a wink and a flying kiss. 

Buck sighs quietly and Bobby puts an encouraging hand on his shoulder and they _finnaly_ can go because Buck is _finnaly_ ready. 

They greet each other, and if Eddie hangs around to be the last one to go out with Buck, no one says anything. 

When they both find themselves alone at the locker room doors, Eddie stands in front of him and blocks his way. 

"Yes?" Buck looks at him weird when Eddie doesn't say anything. 

He sighs. He has to choose his words carefully if he doesn't want Buck snap.

Then he realizes he used to be like that, too. It still happens to him sometimes. But being constantly careful about how you use your words, being afraid that they're going to be misinterpreted, being careful, because you're dealing with someone who's always gets angry at the slightest implication that there's something wrong.... Well, that's pretty rough. He was lucky to have friends who had patience, who supported and helped him. Buck, in particular. He just didn't expect to have to do the same for him. Usually Buck isn't really the kind of guy who has trouble expressing how he feels. Or at least not as much as he has been lately. 

"Eddie, spit it out or Maddie's going to be bitching all the way over about how I made us late." Buck's getting a little impatient. 

Eddie shakes, adjusting his bag over his shoulder. 

"Sorry, uh... I just wanted to say... Text me or stop by my place after dinner if you want to take your mind off." 

Buck frowns. 

Eddie mentally calls himself a complete idiot. Seriously? He used the exact same words he used a few days ago that made Buck instantly snap. He can already see the fight Buck is ready to start so he smiles and does his best to look casual. 

"I've got tequila." He jokingly adds. 

And Buck's face immediately relaxes, he even laughs, giving Eddie a gentle pat on the arm as they get going again. 

"Good to know, man. I'll think about it. But there's not much chance that dinner will leave me with a bit of energy to do anything afterwards, other than sleep, of course." 

Eddie laughs lightly, silencing the anxiety that's pulling him down. 

Buck told him; they're his parents. He's put up with them all his life, he can survive dinner. Besides, they're parents. That's the way it is for a lot of people; they're not great, you hate them a little bit - a lot sometimes - but it's no big deal. 

That's what he repeats to himself so that he can go home that evening with peace of mind. 

Buck feels a little guilty when he gets in the back of the car where Maddie and Chimney are waiting for him, because he knows that no matter how much this dinner will leave him exhausted... He won't be able to sleep. 

But if it reassures Eddie and clears him of any suspicion, well, it's worth a little lie.


	4. The dinner

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello to you! 🙋
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this chapter! 😏 
> 
> ⚠️ I want to make it clear that I wrote this before season 4 started so don't expect this story to match what may happen in season 4. ⚠️ 
> 
> I'll see you soon for the rest! 🖤 
> 
> Kisses on all of you! 💋

The first thing that goes through Chimney's mind when he comes face to face with the Buckleys is: _holy shit._

He doesn't know exactly what he was expecting, but... not that, obviously. 

If he had ever been surprised - to put it mildly - to learn that they were a lawyer, a federal judge and super, super rich... He is now captivated by their appearance. 

Chimney thinks for a moment that they missed their calling and should have pursued a career in modeling. They look like the famous, rich and perfect couple. 

The kind that make the front pages of celebrity magazines and are either the subject of a huge scandal, either a laudatory glorification. In any case; something exaggerated and most probably also unfounded. 

Anyway, they are a perfect apology for wealth and its exuberance. 

He does his best not to have his thoughts reflected on his face and displays a big smile, just to avoid making everyone uncomfortable before dinner begins. 

Lisa Buckley speaks first, pulling Maddie into a delicate embrace. 

"Maddie, honey, you look beautiful. Pregnancy suits you." She smiles as she looks down for a moment at her belly, which appears slightly under her dress. 

Then she turns to Chimney, and he finds her big evaluating eyes and frozen smile particularly... frightening. 

"There you are, Howard. Nathan and I are delighted to meet you." She tells him, drawing him into the same embrace she gave Maddie, short and shallow, before Nathan gives him a strong handshake. 

And if he thought their mother was scary, their father was in a completely different way. 

"Me too! The pleasure is shared, Mr. and Mrs. Buckley." He replies, trying to hide his nervousness behind a smile. 

"Please, call us Lisa and Nathan. We'll be fine." Lisa explains before turning to Buck, who swings his weight back and forth on his feet, a little behind them, far from wanting to hide his annoyance. 

She approaches and almost cautiously, she puts a delicate hand on his cheek. 

"It's good to see you again, Evan. You've grown so much." 

There is a slight silence and Buck must remember that he has come for Maddie and Chimney. 

"You're almost catching up to me." He makes an effort to joke around, but it's obvious to everyone that it's forced and far from sincere. 

Nathan takes Maddie in his arms and she has to tiptoe around so it doesn't get awkward. 

When he releases her and finds himself facing Buck, Chimney is sure that the entire restaurant can feel the tension between the two. 

"Evan." 

"Dad." 

And Chimney can hear the sigh that Buck holds. 

After that, they settle down around their table. 

Chimney can't tell which of Buckley's parents intimidate him more. 

Lisa constantly keeps a frozen smile on her face, as if it had been painted on her lips and she couldn't get rid of it, and even though he's there to look friendly, he looks rather fake and as if he was hiding something. Her voice is slow and crystalline and like everything else in her, controlled. Everything seems superficial, as if nothing is real, as if it's all just a mask to wear when she's in public. 

Nathan doesn't bother to pretend. He seems to have an inexpressive naturalness. Cold, distant and a bit haughty. His voice is strong, sharp and rocky, intimidating; like everything else about him. 

In itself, the exact opposite of their children. 

Buck knows that Chimney does his best to appear natural, but he knows him well enough to know that he is shocked and impressed and maybe even a little admiring in some ways. 

Maddie knows that too. 

They can't blame him. 

Their parents almost always have this effect on everyone. 

And it's probably selfish, but it was always one of the many reasons Buck hated his parents. 

When he was a teenager, all his friends wanted to bang his mom and all his girlfriends wanted to bang his dad. It probably never helped that his parents liked it either. 

They always had this aura of charm, power and intimidation. It worked with the rest of the world. It worked with him, too, for a while, until he realized they couldn't do anything to him. 

Then it became a game to him. He spent his time provoking them, testing their limits and unconsciously pushing his own at the same time. All the means were good to make them come out of their hinges, to make them crack. He wanted to see how far they could go, what they could do. And nobody couldn't really blame him for that. After all, he was just repeating what he saw in his daily life; that unhealthy little game his parents liked to play with each other. Except that Buck got lost along the way and sank into this kind of infernal spiral. Obsessed with trying to be the one his parents would hate, he forgot about the one he would have liked to be. He got stuck for a long time. Until he decided to pull himself together.

Anyway, his parents didn't get a wrinkle. They're a little over fifty now, but they still look ten years younger. He hasn't seen them for years but - unlike him - they haven't changed. 

His mother is a beautiful woman. She has a perfect figure; a wasp waist, a flat belly and a rather advantageous bust. She is tall too, almost as tall as Buck with his high heels. Her hair is longer than before; it almost reaches the middle of her back. It's different from when she always tied it up in a four-pin bun. He gets it from her; that golden, curly hair, and his full, pink lips and probably his long legs too. She and Maddie share nothing but their brown eyes. 

They both look a little more like their father. 

Their father is definitely tall, a little taller than Buck, which is already impressive. He has nothing to envy anyone either; he's still in shape, although a little less muscular and imposing than before. He has jet black hair, slightly grayish, flattened at the back and shorter on the sides. His cheeks are slightly sunken but this is not a sign of old age because as far as he can remember, they have always been. His beard is closely shaved, which makes him a little younger. His eyes are as blue and bright as Buck's. But when his are soft and warm, his father's are piercing and cold. His jaw is chiseled and his right cheek has a dimple in it, which Buk has inherited. But his straight nose and generally fine features are the same as Maddie's. 

Her mother wears a burgundy satin evening gown, matching his father's tie, who wears a black suit over a white shirt. 

They both exude money, influence and luxury. 

And it's as nauseating as in her memories. Perhaps even more so today, now that he has learned how to live normally. 

Chimney sits next to him and faces his mother, Maddie is at the end of the table in between, and Buck, God rest his soul, has to face his father, sitting next to his mother. 

Most conversations take place without him and he's not going to complain about it. Sometimes he intervenes, more to support Maddie and Chimney than out of envy or interest. 

But for most of the dinner, he is immersed in his thoughts, as if locked in his own head, as if he were projected years back in time, when he still lived under the same roof as his parents. 

He remembers all those dinners where it was just him and Maddie because they worked and came home late, where they would snoop around the kitchen and help the cook prepare the meal. Where they would sit at the big table, side by side and not as far apart as when their parents were there. And where they could talk and laugh and take their time because they weren't anxious for it to end. 

He remembers all those dinners, with his father and mother at each end of the table, him in the middle and Maddie in front of him. Where they would discuss their affairs, giving morbid details, not caring that their children were listening. But where Maddie was there and kept him busy, discreetly mocking their parents, making faces at him, playing with his food just to make him smile. 

He remembers all those boring social gatherings he was forced to go to with them, with a girl his parents had paid to parade around on his arm because his own friends weren't good enough, before they finally gave up after he put his hand on the butt of one of his father's friends. 

He remembers all those other dinners, after Maddie left, with just his father and mother each at the end of the table, him in the middle and no one in front of him to distract him. Where they were still talking about their affairs, still pouring out unwelcome details, not caring that he was there, not even seeming to know that he was there. And where he would walk away, lock himself away in his own head so that he didn't have to hear them, listen to them, or even see them. 

Because he had finally won. He had pushed them to their limits and they had grown tired of it, and instead of lecturing him, yelling at him, shaking him, putting him down or threatening him, they had simply started to let him down and ignore him completely. And now that he didn't have that anymore, that his little game was over and he no longer had his parents' attention, they no longer knew who he was. If he was no longer the unmanageable and hateful son... Then who was he? 

Was he supposed to stop all his foolery now that they didn't even bother to reprimand him? But if he stopped... What else was he could to do? What else was he supposed to do? He couldn't do anything else but find troubles and dive into them headfirst. 

It had become so easy for them to ignore him and it had become so easy for him to become invisible. To disappear in his head to get away from their world and try to create his own. A world where he would be who he wanted to be, where he would do what he wanted to do, where he would be who he wanted to be with. Yet no matter how hard he tried to figure out what that would look like... Nothing came to him. Nothing except a big black hole. 

So he continued. He continued his foolerys, because that's all he knew, except that this time it wasn't to drive them mad, but rather to bring them back to him. Just to get them to talk to him again, even if it was screaming. Just to make them look at him again, even if it was with disgust. 

Because without their anger and hatred and contempt, well... He wasn't much. 

So he kept going... And in the process, he also kept going to stray. And he had taken so long, had had to use so much effort to get out of there after that... 

He was pulled out of his thoughts by Chimney's laughter. 

He blinks several times, bringing himself back to reality, and then he's a little confused because, _hell_ , why is Chimney laughing, without it even seeming forced? 

He looks up and sees his mother smiling at Maddie. Not one of those hypocritical or disguised smiles, or even his eternal robot smile that he's used to? A sweet smile that seems sincere. A smile he has never seen on his mother's face. And it makes him uncomfortable. He suddenly has this crazy idea that crosses his mind, that maybe his parents have changed, that maybe they've mellowed a bit. 

Then he turns his head slightly and falls on his father's gaze, right in front of him, who stares at him insistently. And Buck sit up straight in his chair, not in a defensive position but clearly offensive. Because this neutral face and this vicious look, he knows him. And he hasn't changed at all. 

It's strange, but it reassures him. Because he doesn't know how he could have faced parents different from the ones he has always known. 

"So, Evan... You're very quiet. That's pretty unusual." His father finally speaks, after they looked at each other like fierce dogs for long minutes, which made everyone uncomfortable, including the waiter who came to serve them more wine. 

He doesn't answer right away, continuing to stare into his blue eyes that have made him hate his own. 

Chimney clears his throat and laughs a little. 

"So he was that talkative back then?" He jokes, trying to lighten the mood. "That's something. Sometimes he gets into something and he doesn't stop." 

His father raises an eyebrow but doesn't look at Chimney. 

"I know all too well how _exhausting_ that can be." He says in a calm, inexpressive voice, which is in stark contrast to his condescending, sly look at Buck. 

Chimney loses his smile and opens his mouth before closing it again. 

"That's not what I meant--" But he's cut off by Maddie's hand, which lands on his and gives him a negative nod, as if to tell him to drop it, and then by Buck, who hits his knee against hers under the table, as if to tell him that it's okay. 

"I only like to talk when I have an interesting interlocutor." Buck attacks him immediately and then almost breaks down when he sees his father's satisfied smile. As satisfied as he is on the inside. 

Because, for a moment, he became again the teenager who tried to provoke them. For a moment they were back to this game of who goes furthest, who gets the last word and who loses his temper first. 

Then he almost shook, disgusted. 

He's different today. He's a man, not a teenager anymore. He's independent, he doesn't need them anymore, he doesn't let them have that control over him anymore. He no longer needs their contempt and bitterness to exist.

It exists by itself today. _For_ himself. 

Yet his father went on and Buck... He went on with him without even really thinking about it. 

Like an automatism. Like an old reflex. And no matter how much you hate him, it keeps showing up. 

Chimney watches in between, a little lost, because he doesn't recognize the insidious tone of his brother-in-law, and the vicious gleam in his eyes, let alone the sly smile that stretches his lips. 

As if he has just become a copy-paste of his father in less than three seconds. It's completely disconcerting. Even more so when he turns his head towards Maddie and she doesn't seem surprised. 

She recognizes this Buck very well. 

She breathes a sigh. She doesn't know if she's sad or disappointed or angry. Knowing that her father makes no effort and that her brother falls just as easily into his trap, into his game. Probably a mixture of all three. She thought that after all these years it would be different. Obviously, she was wrong. She's a little worried about it. Because she didn't think her parents could still have that power over Buck after all this time. And she remembers all too well the effect it had on Buck. She doesn't want it to happen again. So she comes to think that forcing Buck's hand to go with them, probably wasn't a good idea. 

The only thing that reassures her is that it's only a week. 

"Tell me, Evan... Do you have someone, too?" Lisa asks. 

And Buck knows it's more to interrupt the little fight between him and his father than out of any real interest. 

He finally takes his eyes off his father to look at his mother, and after a few seconds, he says; 

"No. I doesn't see anyone." And his voice is different than when he speaks to his father, a little calmer, a little less acerbic. 

Lisa seems surprised. 

"Really?" And she doesn't have time to go any further because already, his father intervenes. 

"That's not surprising. He's never been able to keep a girl for more than five minutes." 

"Ew, premature." Buck immediately responds with a fake grimace, even though he knows his father was talking about keeping her in his life and not in his bed. "You should talk to Amanda Tanner. You know, your former jurist? I'm sure she'd disagree with you on that." He adds before he brings his drink to his lips. 

And he's not even surprised at how much he gloats inside when he sees his father clench his jaw. 

Amanda has always been a sensitive subject. When his father and mother played their game of who's going to make the other one the most jealous, it was Amanda's card that his father liked to play most of the time. She was jurist in the law firm where his parents both worked for a while before moving up the ladder. She was also the woman Buck put his hand on his butt at the last social gathering he attended. She may have seemed outraged when this happened and his father may have had to apologize to her... But Buck always knew how to recognize the interest in him. Less than fifteen minutes after that, he was fucking her in the back of his car. He'd gone home and she'd done her best to fix his appearance, but she came back to the gathering a little red and slightly disheveled. His father never had proof, he never even asked him, and Buck had a good time leaving doubt, but somehow he had always suspected. Today, he was just confirming it. 

And Buck win. After that, his father doesn't say anything more, just stares at him bitterly and Buck can't help but smile, almost as if he were proud. 

The rest of the dinner is quieter but still tense. 

Needless to say, neither of his parents linger to say goodbye. 

When they get to the car, neither of them speak. Chimney isn't dumb enough to push Maddie when she's obviously upset. 

Buck, obviously, is. 

"Have you two gone mute or what?" He says casually as he hangs out on his phone. 

"I didn't know you and dad got along so well." Spits out Maddie and Chimney tightens his grip around the steering wheel because there's not a hint of sarcasm in his voice. 

And, hell, if that's their definition of getting along... What does it sound like when they _don't_ get along? 

Buck stretches out in his seat, looks up to look at the back of the passenger seat where Maddie is sitting. 

"It's not." He grumbles. 

"It isn't, really? Cause you seemed like you were having a pretty good time with him." She suddenly loses her temper and Chimney winces, almost hesitating to ask Buck to shut up, because he's tired and doesn't want an angry Maddie back home. 

This time Buck sighs. 

"Maddie, that was just to piss him off. That's all it was." He says it to her, and he sounds sincere. 

There is a slight silence then Maddie sighs in turn, before declaring with a hint of laughter in her voice; 

"Amanda? Seriously?" Buck utters a slight laugh and Chimney relaxes. 

Maybe it's not as bad as he thought after all. 

"Yeah, she had a nice ass. And a nice car, too, if you must know." 

"Ew, Buck, no details please." She grimaces, disgusted, and Buck sneeres. 

But when he's dropped off at home, the mask falls off. 

He hastens to take off his costume, because it scratches his skin and leaves him with the unpleasant impression of being someone he's not anymore. That he doesn't want to be anymore. So he takes it off, throws it into the dirty laundry basket and closes the lid tightly, as if he were throwing everything that happened tonight into the garbage. 

He takes a deep breath, climbs into the shower, washes himself of this evening and the water itches almost as much as his suit. 

He doesn't want to think about that either. 

After wiping himself dry until there is not the slightest trace of wet on him, he crawls into bed, under the sheets, and finds the box of sleeping pills and the bottle of water in the drawer of his bedside table. 

He swallows one, hesitates for a moment to send a message to Eddie, his fingers hovering over the keyboard, then gives up by sliding the phone under his pillow, ready to fall asleep. 

What could he say to him anyway ?


	5. A hint of anger.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's late, sorry! I don't know if I'll ever be on time... 😅
> 
> Anyway, here it is! Buddie is coming, I promise you. 😏 
> 
> See you soon for more! 🖤 
> 
> Kisses on all of you! 💋

"So... how was it?" 

That's Eddie asking, looking like nothing, when they all meet in the station kitchen the next morning. 

He tries to keep to himself the thought that burns the tip of his tongue. Because when he understood that he wouldn't have a visitor last night, he was at least expecting a text. But nothing. And that made him have a bad night. 

He knows it's a bit much for a simple dinner with his parents. But sometimes -and even if he'll never admit it- he acts with Buck as he might act with Christopher. 

And when he sees Buck's light smile as he pours himself a cup of coffee, he has to remember that he's an adult.

It's his problem, not Buck's. 

Chimney, however, doesn't seem to be in as good mood as he is. 

When Buck looks rested and happy, he looks exhausted and uncomfortable. 

"Honestly, better than I thought." Says Buck with a shrug. 

And Eddie believes him because he looks sincere, but judging by the look on Chimney's face, he can tell something's wrong. 

Bobby patted him on the back. 

"I'm happy. You're looking really good today." He notes as he watches Buck bounce vigorously off his feet. 

More than usual. Or more than lately. 

And Eddie doesn't know whether to be reassured or worried that he's not the only one who's noticed that Buck has been a little different lately. 

"Yeah, I've been sleep like a baby." Buck smiles before groping his pants pockets. "Damn, I left my phone in the car. I'll be right back." Then he's trotting up the stairs. 

When Buck disappears, Eddie is quick to ask the question that interests him. 

"What was it like? For real?" 

Just as Hen, enjoying a bowl of cereal, asks; 

"So, how are Mom and Dad Buckley?" 

Chimney looks in between, blowing on his coffee, which refuses to cool, then sighs deeply. 

"Honestly, worse than I thought." 

Hen and Eddie exchange looks and then; 

"What question are you answering now?" 

"Both." Chimney sighs again. 

Bobby, who has stayed out of the conversation so far, frowns a little and crosses his arms on his chest. 

"What do you mean? Buck didn't seem to think it was that bad. Did something happen?" He asks before he recovers and brings his steaming cup of coffee to his lips. 

"You mean between the time he called his father a premature ejaculator and the time he confessed to banging one of his friends? No, nothing special." 

Bobby chokes on his coffee. Eddie's cup of coffee hangs a few inches from his lips and Hen's spoon fell back into his bowl, splashing a few drops of milk on the counter as she suddenly stopped chewing. 

"He didn't really say that, did he?" Bobby asks with an incredulous and nervous smile, after having stopped coughing. 

"It was well enough implied for everyone to understand." Answers Chimney, breathing another sigh. "I know it's horrible to say this because they are my girlfriend's parents and she's going to great lengths to make sure our child has grandparents present, but... I hate them." He ends up looking sheepish and guilty. 

Hen tilts her head, curious, but a compassionate smile stretches her lips. 

"Why that?" She asks for all of them. 

Chimney thinks back to Nathan and his icy eyes, his arrogant, superior look, all the animosity between him and Buck, and Lisa's sharp, observant eyes. 

"They're like... You know, those big lawyers you see at the movies, with their suits bent over, in their big, beautiful offices... The ones that impress you a little bit but that you..." He interrupts himself, looking for other words he hasn't already used. 

But there are no other words. 

"Hate a lot?" Hen finishes for him and he nods his head, shoulders slumped. 

"They're intimidating and vicious and, my God, so arrogant. Their mother seems less... I don't know. But their father is... I don't even know how to describe him, but I definitely don't like him. But you know what the worst part is?" He asks, looking over his shoulder to make sure his brother-in-law isn't around. 

"Tell us." Hen answers at once, before going back to eating. 

"Buck." He says it out loud for the first time since dinner, and when they all look at him in bewilderment, he nods his head as if to say yes, you heard it. 

"What do you mean?" Eddie asks, frowning, trying to appear less concerned than he actually is. 

"It was like... Like I didn't recognize him. Like I was dealing with another person. It was so creepy." He grimaces as he remembered Buck's attitude. 

Eddie remains silent. They all remain silent. Because, well, they weren't there. They can only imagine, and even trying, they can't really visualize Buck being anything but... Buck. Surely Chimney is overreacting. 

Eddie knows, if there's one thing Buck and Chimney have in common, it's this. 

"Have you talked to Maddie about this?" Bobby ends up asking. 

Chimney laughs nervously. 

"To tell her what? I'm sorry Maddie, but I don't like your parents at all, and your brother's fucking weird? No, no way. She doesn't need this, and they're leaving this weekend so we can all pretend this dinner never happened." 

What was he saying? The art of overreacting. 

Before anyone could say anything else, Buck reappeared, all smiles, before dropping onto the couch. 

"Hen? Come get your ass kicked." He says, already with his hand on the joystick and his eyes glued to the TV screen. 

Bobby opens his mouth, ready to reprimand him, but gives up with a sigh when Hen quickly swallows his last spoonfuls of cereal before rushing to join Buck. 

Chimney broods as he swirls his spoon through his coffee. 

And Bobby and Eddie share a look before taking a big sip of coffee, sharing the same sense of concern for the youngest firefighter in the firehouse. 

Neither of them has time to go about their occupations or interrogations any longer because the alarm is already sounding. 

And seriously, what can happen so early in the morning? 

*~~*

"Are you kidding me? Aren't you? Please tell me you're kidding me." Buck's voice is strangely high-pitched, bordering on hysteria, as if he's torn between laughing, hitting, and crying. 

He's on the first floor, but they all hear him from the loft. 

Chimney grimaces, nervously playing with the edges of his empty plate. The others look at him and he explains the situation in a two-three words, just like Maddie did with him yesterday, and like she's doing with Buck now. 

Two-three words, which have the effect of a bomb. 

"They-- they can't stay!" Buck shouts out in disbelief, and Maddie grimaces on the other end of the phone. 

"But they told me. They've temporarily relocated back to our house on the coast. Those are their words. They said they wanted to get a little closer to me... and you." 

"Oh, they did?" Buck scoffs but doesn't expect an answer. "And then I thought they sold our house on the coast! That's what they told us!" He continues, frowning as his brain tries to process all the information. 

"I guess not." Maddie sighs and pinches the bridge of her nose. 

She was the one who contacted them first, she was the one who wanted to try to offer her child a semblance of a normal family. But with a few physical visits a year and phone or video calls, not _that_. Not to have them around every day. 

But it's temporary. After all, they told her. Those are their words. 

_We're moving in temporarily._

Temporarily. 

That's the word. 

"But... They can't." Buck repeats, obviously having a hard time believing and digesting the news. "Mom's got her firm and Dad's a judge now, they can't... How can they?" He gets confused. 

Maddie sighs, because if it's hard enough for her, it's even harder for Buck, and she knows it. They know it. 

"I know, that's what I asked right away, but Mom said her firm was in good hands and she'd handle the necessary things remotely, and Dad, well, apparently, he took some time off." She repeats what their parents told her. 

Buck's face falls and after the surprise, he doesn't feel like laughing or crying, but definitely wants to hit something. Or someone. 

"Time off? Are they fucking with us? Dad hasn't taken a single day off in almost forty years of career, for fuck's sake! That's-- That's bullshit!" 

Upstairs, Bobby's face is tense and he'll probably have won his share of white hair by the end of the day for hearing so much rudeness coming out of Buck's mouth. 

"I know! Okay? I know. But there's nothing we can do about it, Buck. They're there and... We have to deal with it. At least until they leave." Maddie told him, completely resolved, having had more time to get used to the idea. 

"No, Maddie, there's no 'we' in there. I agreed to come to one dinner, just one, because you asked me to, but I wouldn't do it again." Buck says, 'cause there's no way he's going to put up with this again. 

"Buck, you're not going to be able to avoid them all the time by sharing the same city!" She raises her voice a little, rolling her eyes, annoyed. 

"But we'll have to! We can't manage to be in the same room without arguing! Shit Maddie, we can't even breathe the same air... So how can it be otherwise ?" Buck cracks, running his free hand through his hair, frustrated and angry. So angry. 

"Well maybe you should stop playing their game! Damn, Buck, I thought you were done with all this, but they come back, Dad provokes you and there you go again." Maddie blames him, gradually losing her temper as well. 

And Buck... Buck is appalled at what he hears. So much so that he laughs at it. 

"Oh, I'm dreaming. So it's going to be my fault now? I'm telling you, you're the one who brought them back!" 

"I want my child to feel loved and surrounded by a normal family when he is born. Is it really so terrible to want that?" 

"A normal family?" Buck says it again, like it's the most bewildering thing he's ever heard. "We're not a normal family, Maddie. They've never been there for us, and the few times they were, it was worse than better. I'm sorry, but the greatest gift you can give your child is never to present them to him." 

Maddie hiccups with shock and protest. 

"Evan, don't say things like that! They're still our parents!" She reprimands him. 

"They're not my fucking parents!" Buck cracks, closing his fist around his hair. "They never have been and they never will be. I've accepted it, why can't you ?" 

"Because I want to have hope!" Maddie, in turn, breaks down, and yet, it sounds a little false, probably because like him, she knows that it's a waste of time and that it's not worth it. 

"All right, then it's your problem, not mine." He spits before he hangs up. 

When he goes up the stairs, he's so angry that he doesn't even pay attention to the looks on everyone's face. 

He still has his phone clutched in his hand and his eyes glued to Chimney, who looks like he's trying to bury himself in a mouse hole. 

"Did you know that?" He asks. 

Chimney has never really seen Buck angry. He doesn't want to know what he looks like when he explodes. So he doesn't beat around the bush and he answers in his best sorry voice; 

"She told me yesterday morning." 

And Buck nods his head, his tongue turns in his mouth as if to prevent himself from saying something that will probably be regretted later, taking the confession. 

His parents told Maddie two days ago, the day before they were supposed to leave. Maddie told Chimney yesterday morning. 

But neither of them thought to tell her right away. They both knew, but they didn't say anything. 

Good. That's very good. 

"Buck, at least have your dinner." Bobby's voice screams, at once soft and stern, as Buck turns his heels and heads for the stairs again. 

But Buck doesn't even answer. And if he doesn't, well, Eddie thinks he must be really, really mad. Because even when he's angry or upset or offended, Buck still responds to Bobby. Even if it's a grunt, even if it's just a whisper, even if it's just a monosyllable. He always answers. 

Bobby seems to realize it too, because he doesn't try to catch up with Buck and for the rest of the day they all give him the space he needs. 

Buck stays professional and efficient during the shift, seems to put all this stuff aside with ease and Eddie is not surprised, because Buck is always focused when he is working. It's the only thing that can make him momentarily forget about everything bad that can happen in his life. Eddie knows it, and he understands it, because that's how he feels too; working has always helped him take his mind off things. 

But he knows it works for a while, not forever. Eddie doesn't want Buck to keep this anger to himself, he doesn't want what happened to him to happen to Buck; he doesn't want it to overwhelm him and destroy everything. He doesn't want that for his best friend. 

So he'll go talk to him, he'll stop by his house after their shift, after asking Carla to keep Christopher a little longer. He'll bring back a six-pack and he'll listen to Buck whine about his parents, Maddie and Chimney, for as long as he wants. 

Because that's what a best friend does. He hasn't been very good so far, he wants to be good now. 

But when he knocks on his door less than an hour later, no one answers.   
And when he uses his key to get in, there's no one inside. 

All he can do is sigh and drop himself on the sofa, putting the six-pack on the coffee table. He hesitates for a moment, then pulls out his phone, writing a message to let him know he's home, wondering inwardly what could possibly keep him so busy on a Wednesday after four o'clock in the afternoon not to answer it. 

When it's past five o'clock and he still has no answer, he picks up the pack from the table to put it in the fridge and leaves his best friend's apartment. 

His son is waiting for him. 

Buck can't believe his parents are sticking around. 

He's had time to think about it all day, but he doesn't understand, and he doesn't accept it. 

He doesn't want to and he can't. 

Because Maddie is right - although he won't admit it - he fell back into their game too easily. 

And maybe it's no longer to make them angry, maybe it's no longer to get their attention, maybe now it's only to hurt them... But that doesn't change the fact that it's unhealthy. Maybe it's even more unhealthy than it used to be. 

He used to want to hurt them so that they could get a glimpse of what he was feeling. Now he wants to hurt them just because it makes him feel good. 

And he must be really twisted to feel that way. 

They see each other just once, and he's already thinking and acting like a person he's not. That he's not anymore. A mean, evil, noxious person. 

What will become of him if he is forced to see them during... God knows how long? 

He doesn't want to be like that. 

"Such beautiful eyes shouldn't be so sad." The woman who'd been staring at him at the other end of the bar since he walked in sits beside him and smiles at him. 

Buck's been thinking about it since he met her eyes more than half an hour ago. He's still thinking about it right now. 

Bobby would probably kill him if he knew. 

Except it's different this time. If he goes, if he goes in there tonight, it's only going to be a one-time thing. 

He's got a right to have a sex life, right? 

So he chooses his next words carefully. 

"I'm not sad. Just a little tense." He smiles as he turns to her. 

His pretty green eyes watch him for a moment, tapping her fingers on the counter, as if it were her turn to think. 

"What's your little name?" She asks. 

Buck hesitates just for a second. 

"Evan. You?" 

It's going to be Evan tonight and nothing that happens from now on is going to get to Buck.

"Okay, Evan. My name is Olivia and I have something that might help you relax." She smiles as she reaches into the inside pocket of her jacket and pulls out a small sachet of white powder that she quietly waves around. 

Buck's eyes are immediately drawn to the plastic, which catches the light and glows. And they stick to it like a magnet. 

His heart pounds in his chest as if he is seeing his first great teenage love again. And in fact, it is a little bit. It hurts and it feels good. It's painful at first, and then it's pleasant afterwards. And above all, it's very tempting.

And Bobby would definitely kill him if he knew. 

He did not expect that, really not. And maybe it's a sign, the fact that someone shake this in front of him specially today. But... He can't. And he won't. 

So at the expense of an addiction, he chooses another one. 

"Thank you, but... This is not what I had in mind." 

Olivia responds with an interested smile, putting the bag back in her jacket. 

She bends over and puts one hand high on his thigh, seductive. 

"In that case, pretty heart... Please, show me."


End file.
